The shortest day of my life

Since I started the new job, I've been on a night shift for the first time in two years. A lot has changed since I was a night logger. For one thing, this job takes a lot longer each night so I'm usually at work until about 5 AM, but that's not the part that's been difficult about adjusting to my new hours -- actually, my body has always taken comfortably to staying awake into those wee hours. I LOVE staying up all night. The hard part, I've discovered, is getting to sleep at the end of it all.

After work, it's always a race to get home and jump in bed because if I'm still awake when the sun comes up, it's all over. Then there's no way I'm getting to sleep before 9 AM because Dan's alarm goes off, he's getting ready, the sunlight is coming in through the windows, the cats are being all pathetic and begging for love, and all I can do is wait until Dan leaves for work and watch The Golden Girls until I doze off. Now don't get me wrong, The Golden Girls is a great show and that is why when I was recovering from the LASIK I watched every single episode ever made because Hallmark airs six of them every day and, well, I had no money. What would you do?!

Anyway, if I'm successfully in bed and actually fall asleep before sunrise (which doesn't happen NEARLY as often as I would like), it's a big win because at least my life is loosely adhering to a normal human routine of "going to sleep when it's night and waking up when it's day," even if I wake up at 2:30 PM. Those are the good great days.

Last night I was feeling pretty awesome because I was actually tired when I got into bed (that also pretty much never happens), and the last thing I remember before plunging into sleep was planning all the sweet errands I could run now that I could count on waking up earlier in the afternoon.

When I woke up, I felt REALLY groggy and wondered why I didn't feel better after a good night's day's whatever night's sleep. Everything was just a little... wrong. I went to the bathroom and looked at a clock and saw that it was 8:40 AM. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The worst part was, I wasn't even tired anymore. It was like, that's my night of sleep. That's what I get to have. Thanks a lot, body.

So in my really crunk state of mind, I decided to turn on the TV and see if I could find something boring enough to make me tired again. Meanwhile, the din of garbage trucks and lawnmowers and the crying baby next door are making me feel pretty pessimistic. But I flicked over to HBO and saw that Gods and Generals was playing. Have you heard of that movie? It's this bloated Civil War epic starring Robert Duvall that tanked even though it's about history and looks boring and stars Robert Duvall and other stuff that probably made the filmmakers think it would win a bunch of Oscars.

But the very best part was, not only did I get to tune in from the very beginning of the film, but IT WAS IN SPANISH. Why is this so amazing? Because I had no freaking clue for the 10 minutes. That's because the first 10 minutes are just sloooooooowly fading opening titles over sloooooooowly waving flags while sloooooooow Civil War music (?) plays in the background. I just sat there completely mesmerized, thinking if I was watching this in a theater I would probably have walked out by now.

Then I'm looking at Robert Duvall as Robert E. Lee, and he's giving it all just with his face... and he opens his mouth... and it's a completely different voice speaking in Spanish. I almost fell off the couch. I was so surprised.

But the thing is, Gods and Generals in Spanish is actually a really incredible sleep aid because the next thing I remember -- and I mean this COMPLETELY LITERALLY, it is the NEXT THING I remember -- is waking up in bed and it's completely dark. It is NIGHTTIME. I slept ALL DAY. I slept so long, I was late to work. How the fuck does that happen when your shift starts at 7 PM?! I'll tell you how: Gods and Generals in Spanish.

Thank you, Ted Turner, for the shortest day of my life.