Flight bother

I'm sitting in JFK waiting to board my flight back to LA. My flight here could have been really horrible, because I was stuck with a middle seat on a daytime flight, which, because I work a night shift, meant that I was wired to be asleep while everyone else would be awake and chatting and I imagined the person next to me would have a really crunk bladder and need me to get up every 10 seconds. Fortunately, I got to the airport early enough to change my assignment to a sweet window seat with an empty spot next to me so I could even stretch out my legs. HOLIDAY MIRACLES ARE REAL.

Anyway, the flight back has been a concern of mine since I booked this trip because I couldn't choose a seat online, and when I called they said I couldn't do it over the phone either. I would have to get a seating assignment when I checked in for the flight. That's just really awesome because this flight is leaving at 6:25 AM and it wasn't AWESOME enough that I would have to leave the house at 4 AM -- I left at 3 AM instead because I wanted to make damn sure I got a seat on this flight and didn't get bumped to standby thanks to overbooking. Who knows if I'm being ridiculous about this, because I've never not had a seat assignment this late in the process.

So now I'm at the airport crazy early, and when I checked in -- with my no checked luggage, because I am an awesome traveler -- I STILL couldn't choose a seat! I didn't even get a real boarding pass, just a little slip that instructed me to proceed to the gate and receive a seating assignment from an agent. Well, that's just great because it's the middle of the damn night and all these mythical agents are obviously still in bed because they're lazy and don't realize that I don't have a fucking seat assignment. So I might as well have left at 4:30 AM anyway, or just called everyone I know to inform them that I've moved in with Dan's parents because I'm clearly never getting out of here.

Also, to even get on the internet to post this, I was forced to watch a Bank of America video showing me how to deposit checks at an ATM because apparently many of their customers were cryogenically frozen before automated tellers existed and were just thawed out YESTERDAY. Watching this video was in exchange for 20 minutes of complimentary wi-fi which, by the way, ran out while I was typing this so I guess I will be posting this either from my apartment in LA when everything has been sorted out and I feel silly for worrying so much, or after Steven Spielberg makes a movie about me starring Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta-Jones. (I really hope I'm played by Catherine Zeta-Jones.)

I'm so tired.

UPDATE: I got another free 20 minutes by watching a video depicting a woman using online banking. It was literally just a shot of her sitting in front of a laptop and smiling. She must be that happy because she got to choose her seat assignment online two months ago. What a bitch.

UPDATE: Watching the damn video didn't get me another 20 minutes at all. How is it possible that wi-fi isn't free in all airports by now? WHY DON'T I HAVE A SEAT ASSIGNMENT?!

UPDATE: Yeah, I'm posting this from home. I made it! And I didn't get my seat assignment until 4 minutes before boarding, and the lady was a huge jerk about it. Thanks, American Airlines. YAY I AM HOME.