A lot can happen in two months

Here is a list of what I’ve been up to in the last eight weeks.

- At the end of March, my grandma’s health deteriorated very quickly and she went to the hospital. I was still working at the time and I took a day off work to drive up to Stockton and see her. I held her hand and spent time with the rest of my family. The next day, when I was back in LA, my grandma died.

- Three days later, Dan and I celebrated our second anniversary, after we met at pamie’s Oscar party in 2006. A lot has happened since then, most remarkably the fact that we now live together. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t started a blog when I was 18, because that’s how pamie got in touch with me in the first place, leading her to introduce me to Dan when we met in person four years later. The internet brings people together, much like Tostitos Brand Tortilla Chips.

- The next week, I started helping Dan create his “Week Without Pity” segments for Television Without Pity. He writes them and gives me the voiceover, and I choose/create the images and edit them into a video. Really, it was just a way for me to hang out with him more, so he didn’t have to spend three nights out of the week working on it after work. On the other hand, I can work on it during the day because...

- ...that was my very last week of work on ANTM Cycle 10! That was a huge accomplishment for me. It’s the longest job I’ve ever had, it’s the highest-paying job I’ve had, but more importantly, it’s the most fun I’ve ever had at work. It was like the end of a school year, with 10 weeks of sweet hiatus before working on Cycle 11. But my excitement took a backseat to a more painful situation...

- That exact same week, my grandpa, his health in rapid decline since grandma’s death, went to the hospital and I went back to San Francisco to visit him in the hospital. In fact, I went directly from my last day of work to the airport, and spent the weekend with my family again. My grandma was the first death in my family that I can remember, and it was both easier and harder to find myself visiting grandpa in the hospital only a few weeks later.

- Two days later, my friend Emily visited from Seattle and stayed with me for a week. It was my first chance in a month to take a deep breath and try to relax, so I wasn’t the most exciting host, but we did have a great time. Anyway, David took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken ’N Waffles, so she had at least one amazing experience while she was here.

- On the same day that Emily left (and at the exact same time, though on a different flight), I flew up to Seattle to spend three days with my parents, to hang out under more normal circumstances, and to pack up some oversized belongings I would drive back to LA in a rental car. We pretty much ate well and watched a bunch of movies -- exactly what we needed to chill out and enjoy each other’s company.

- On the morning of Saturday, March 29th, I picked up my friend Jen at 7:30 AM, and picked up my rental car at 8 AM. We started driving through the snow that had started falling, alarmingly enough, but encountered good weather through the mountains and... well, let’s just say we made good time. AMAZING time. I’ve never driven that far on my own before (or with someone who hadn’t either), so it was a real adventure. If you don’t believe me, check out the motherfucking lions and bears we got crunk with on the way.

- The day after Jen and I arrived in LA, I found out that my grandpa had died. In fact, I learned this on the day Jen and I spent at DISNEYLAND. And Disneyland happened only after we experienced an accidental tour through Watts, thanks to a freeway shooting that shut down the entire 105 and redirected hundreds of vehicles with no detour through what some consider a dangerous part of town. THEN we got to visit Mickey’s house in ToonTown and ride the Matterhorn. And then I went home and made arrangements to fly out for grandpa’s burial.

- Grandpa’s burial was the following Saturday. I could not even stay overnight in San Francisco because Jen was not only still in LA, but leaving early the next morning. So I got up at 4 AM, flew out to be with my family, served as a pallbearer throughout the viewing, church service, and final burial that afternoon. Several hours later, I was flying back to LA. And I realized I was getting sick.

- When I got home from my big day out of town, I wasn’t feeling so good. By 11 PM that night, I had a fever, couldn’t stop shaking, and was talking to myself. At 8 AM, I realized there was no way I could operate a motor vehicle, so Dan took Jen to the airport because he is a saint. My miserable self went along for the ride, trying hard to convince Jen that I wasn’t the worst host in the history of hosting. I went home and, long story short, spent the next two weeks in bed being ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.

- Since mid-April, I have finally had a chance to collect myself and try to establish an ordinary routine during my lengthy period of unemployment. I have tried to work on editing and writing as much as possible, but sadly it has been almost impossible to find time to work on The Slow Roll. Dan doesn’t have time to work on it anymore, so it’s just me trying to finish writing up Twisted. I feel awful about it and I’m trying to get the website back on track.

That is my story.

Eric Awards 2007

11th place candidates (best of 2007)
In the Valley of Elah
The Hoax
The Kite Runner
Ratatouille
Starting Out in the Evening

6th place candidates (worst of 2007)
The Bucket List
Because I Said So
Norbit
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The Number 23

Movies it killed me to miss
A Mighty Heart
I'm Not There
Once
La Vie En Rose
Gone Baby Gone
Enchanted (shut up)

Movies it didn't kill me at all to miss
The Darjeeling Limited... oh wait, I didn't miss it, I just forgot about it 10 seconds after leaving the theater

5 best performances by non-humans
1. Rémy the rat in Ratatouille, of course
2. Specter of the Zodiac killer in Zodiac
3. The number 23 appearing absolutely everywhere in The Number 23 -- so versatile!
4. Jessica Biel's rubber hand portraying how hard it is to carry soccer balls in Home of the Brave
5. John Travolta in drag in Hairspray, which my eyes refuse to identify as part of my species

Best performance in a bad movie
Adam Sandler in Reign Over Me

Worst performance in a good movie
Russell Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma

The "Interesting Failure" Mention
Across the Universe, directed by Julie Taymor and starring talented young actors singing Beatles songs... so how did it get so awful?

The "Uninteresting Failure" Mention
Love in the Time of Cholera, directed by Mike Newell and starring Javier Bardem, and I still don't care to meditate on what went wrong

Tagline that should have been
The Golden Compass: "Putting the 'ass' in 'compass'"

Tagline that, unfortunately, actually was
The Number 23: "A number is just a number. Or is it?"

Most awesomely awesome line
"I... drink... your... milkshake! [sucking sound] I DRINK IT UP!" -- Daniel Plainview on milkshakes in There Will Be Blood

Most awesomely terrible line
"Sorry! All out of mercy!" -- Ghost Rider explaining that he is all out of mercy in Ghost Rider

Most terribly terrible line
"He destroyed our family! Why can't you see that? WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID STILL?!" -- Carlos to his brother on their Uncle Michael in Redline

Best line to think about when you're high
"Scientists are saying the future is going to be far more futuristic than they originally predicted." -- Krysta Now in Southland Tales

Most hilariously non-sexy line
"I'm gonna give you the best blow J. With my mouth." -- Becca in Superbad
(Runner-up: "I've got a boner!" -- Fogell "McLovin" in Superbad)
(Second runner-up: "Great! That will give me time to get my jugs waxed." -- Katie Van Waldenberg on personal grooming in Blades of Glory)

The 180° Award
Beowulf, which I saw in 2-D and declared a waste of time, but after seeing in 3-D declared the coolest thing EVAR

The Sideways Award for the movie everyone loved and I hated
The Savages

The Marie-Antoinette Award for the movie everyone hated and I loved
Mr. Brooks

2007: the year of outstanding performances by children
- Saoirse Ronan, as a lying pre-teen in Atonement
- Roger Príncep, as an HIV-positive orphan in The Orphanage
- Dillon Freasier, as Daniel Day-Lewis's deaf son in There Will Be Blood
- Zekeria Ebrahimi and Ahmad Khan Mahmidzada, as best friends torn apart in The Kite Runner

Guilty pleasure
Music and Lyrics

All guilt, no pleasure
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

All pleasure, no guilt
I Am Legend

Best double play
Michael Cera in Superbad and Juno

Best triple play
Mandy Moore in Romance and Cigarettes, Southland Tales, and Dedication

Worst double play
Jessica Biel in Home of the Brave and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Worst triple play
Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider, Next, and National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Brilliant, underappreciated performances
- Charlize Theron in In the Valley of Elah
- Michael Douglas in King of California
- Molly Shannon in Year of the Dog
- Richard Gere in The Hoax

Best title of the year
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

Worst title of the year
Who's Your Caddy

Most accurate title of the year
Next, which made me want to call, "Next!"

Least accurate title of the year
Superbad, which was supergood

Most memorable use of nudity in a film
Eastern Promises, in which Viggo Mortensen engages in gory combat with a bunch of thugs... completely naked

Most revolting use of nudity in a film
Love in the Time of Cholera, in which Giovanna Mezzogiorno wears a really unconvincing "naked old lady" body suit

Most confusing use of nudity in a film
Beowulf, in which every possible opportunity is taken to display gratuitous computer-generated ass, which is just... I don't get it

Best use of makeup in a film
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Worst use of makeup in a film
The Bucket List, in which Morgan Freeman's bald cap appears to sit on top of his unflattened hair

Least necessary use of makeup in a film
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, in which Helena Bonham Carter is made up to look like, you know, Helena Bonham Carter

Hottest male star
It's a 300-way tie

Hottest female star
Juliette Binoche in Dan in Real Life

Most irredeemably loathsome "comic" character
Robin Williams as a sociopathic priest in License to Wed
(Runner-up: Diane Keaton as a shrieking self-caricature in Because I Said So)

Box office proof that the world is ending
- Norbit worldwide gross: $159 million
- I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry worldwide gross: $186 million
- Ghost Rider worldwide gross: $228 million
- Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer worldwide gross: $288 million
- National Treasure: Book of Secrets worldwide gross: $429 million
and finally...
- Transformers worldwide gross: $707 million

Movies to look forward to in 2008
Cloverfield (this is me pretending I actually wrote this entry on time)
Teeth
The Spiderwick Chronicles
Paranoid Park
Funny Games
Run, Fat Boy, Run
Stop-Loss
My Blueberry Nights
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Baby Mama
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo
Son of Rambow
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Sex and the City
The Happening
Get Smart
Religulous (which I saw bits and pieces of at TIFF '07)
Wall-E
Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Mamma Mia!
Step Brothers
The Pineapple Express
Quantum of Solace
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Movies to not look forward to in 2008
In the Name of the King
Meet the Spartans
Fool's Gold
The Hottie and the Nottie
College Road Trip
Horton Hears A Who
Drillbit Taylor
Shutter
Superhero Movie
Speed Racer
What Happens In Vegas
You Don't Mess with the Zohan
Hancock
Towelhead (known as "Nothing is Private" when it defiled my eyes at TIFF)
Saw V
Madagascar 2: The Crate Escape

Best and Worst of 2007

Best of 2007

1. Romance and Cigarettes. The most delightful and original movie of 2007 was made in 2005. It breaks the rules, and your heart. Silly, but never ridiculous.

2. There Will Be Blood. P.T. Anderson's epic oil drama explores human darkness as black as, well, oil. Daniel Day-Lewis, man.

3. Black Snake Moan. Perfectly dirty, sexy, and shocking. Possibly the best Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci have ever been.

4. Atonement. Forget the ads calling it "the most romantic movie of the year." Atonement is about the power of storytelling, and its tragic limitations.

5. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. LOVED IT.

6. Southland Tales. Unfairly shelved and ignored when it was finally released. Its closest relative is Romance and Cigarettes, if that means anything to you.

7. Zodiac. A puzzle with no solution -- but the obsessive journey to get there (or, you know, not there) is riveting.

8. No Country for Old Men. Unbearable suspense and a sense of dread to make you shiver every time you remember Chigurh's deranged face.

9. The Orphanage. This haunted house flick from Spain delivers thrills upon chills -- and not a cheap one in the bunch.

10. Paprika. A Japanese animated gem containing a psychedelic parade of mind-bending imagery that somehow makes sense. No really, there's an actual parade.

Worst of 2007

1. Love in the Time of Cholera. If you'd like to believe that Javier Bardem is a good actor, see No Country For Old Men. Otherwise, check out this colossally embarrassing adaptation of the classic novel about love, cholera, and gratuitous nudity. Everyone in this movie thought they were getting Oscar nominations. Meanwhile, John Leguizamo is clearly high.

2. Redline. I'm sure you've never heard of this one. I don't even know how to explain it. There's a bunch of dudes racing fancy cars? And some bikini babe gets kidnapped or something? Anyway, the best part of this movie is when the "hot" girl soulfully sings a song called "I Wanna Be Your Car Tonight."

3. Transformers. Maybe it's because I don't think robots are cool. Or because I like to be able to tell what the fuck I'm looking at when millions of dollars have been spent on special effects.

4. Next. During a chase scene, Nicolas Cage hides (successfully) by DUCKING OUT OF FRAME. Enough said.

5. Premonition. It's soooooooo funny, y'all.

80th Academy Awards: Oscarmath

I decided to enter this year's "Oscar pool" at work. I wasn't going to participate and then I realized that if I predicted a Michael Clayton sweep and it actually happened, I would be the most amazing human being alive. Even more amazing than someone who had actually seen Michael Clayton and knew what they were talking about.

As you might have already gathered, I totally lost the $80 Oscar pool and will never see my $5 again unless I track down whoever won and become close enough to them so they freely give me $5 and don't ask for it back, like "No don't worry about it, you're like the best friend I've ever had," and then I'll take my $5 back and slap them in the face.

But I have to give myself credit for predicting three wins for The Bourne Ultimatum (100% of its nominations!). Yeah I was just guessing but that's the kind of edgy thinking that can win you $80. I also predicted Marion Cotillard for Best Actress for the same reason: I could totally imagine my own surprise if she won. So I decided not to be surprised.

Unfortunately, this strategy also led me to predict Amy Ryan for Best Supporting Actress. But I firmly believe my Tom Wilkinson for Best Supporting Actor prediction was only slightly off, since Tilda Swinton provided the supporting category Michael Clayton upset I was expecting.

I'm pissed that The Golden Compass won for Best Visual Effects, because it was maximum fugly. But I'll take it if it means that Transformers can never be called "Academy Award-winning Transformers."

It was a good year for speeches -- we didn't fast-forward any of them. Javier Bardem, Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova, and Marion Cotillard all touched my heart. Tilda Swinton made me laugh out loud. But Brad Bird, bless his heart, made all of us cringe.

Finally, I didn't see Once, but now that I've heard "Falling Slowly" I'm afraid I won't make it without dissolving into a puddle of tears.

A fierce reminder

Watch America's Next Top Model's 10th season premiere tonight on the CW. This is one of my episodes! Tyra ran into my editor in the hallway and she shook her hand, this episode is so good.

Feel free to gather here after the show and share your thoughts on this episode of America's Next Top Model that you're definitely going to watch on the CW check your local listings etc!

Ama$on.com

Can you believe that title? It's not even fair. There's no "S" in "Amazon." But you know what I've discovered? There is "$" in Amazon.com. Lots of it. For me. (And Dan.)

When Dan and I moved in together, we were able to merge our DVD collections and see that we owned a lot of the same stuff. In fact, many of his copies were still fully packaged because he is way too busy and important to sit around watching Clue and Britney Spears Greatest Hits: My Prerogative. Not so for me!

As the pile of redundancies grew larger, I started thinking about the boxes and boxes of CDs we had to find a place for, such as the trash or Goodwill because no one listens to CDs anymore. I had just never gotten around to ripping all those albums into my computer, but now I had a mission: I would sell it all. The duplicate DVDs, every single one of my CDs, and whatever CDs Dan was willing to part with, which turned out to be a lot. I'd never sold anything on the interwebs, but I would take whatever small profit I could turn. I mean, Amazon takes a share, right? And used stuff only sells for so much, right?

A week later, this is my life: I'm printing packing slips. I'm buying CD and DVD mailers from Staples. I'm going to the post office every single day with bags of stuff to send out. Every time I check my email, there are more notifications that I've sold more stuff. I'm going home at lunch to package more items. I've made $30, which turns into $50, which turns into $100, which turns into $200. I am an Amazon Marketplace machine. And who knew there was still someone in the world who didn't own Norah Jones's "Come Away With Me"?

So far, my sales have amounted to almost $500, with a nearly $400 profit for me -- er, I mean "us" -- after Amazon takes its share. Here's another interesting fact: Amazon gives you a choice between depositing your earnings right into your checking account, or receiving it in Amazon.com credit. And the thing is, you can buy anything in the whole world on Amazon.com. You can buy books, DVDs, CDs, groceries, electronics, and hair products. You can buy shoes, power tools, and lawn furniture. I don't even have a lawn and I want to buy lawn furniture from Amazon.com. That's how amazing it is.

So I chose to receive the profits in the form of Amazon bucks because (1) it wouldn't be fair to Dan if all that money landed in MY checking account, since half of it was his stuff, and (2) I get a freakin' paycheck already -- I want a SHOPPING SPREE! And with a $400 Amazon.com shopping spree, I can get stuff for both of us. Stuff like a vacuum cleaner, new shoes, a camera tripod, etc. And I can also get stuff that I've always "needed," such as the complete Kids in the Hall box set. BECAUSE THAT'S SOMETHING EVERYONE NEEDS.

By now, sale are dying down, and I'm not waking up to notifications and swelling profits and field trips to the post office before, during, and after work. That's okay, because when I look at the modest pile of CDs and DVDs that used to take up half the bedroom (and will soon disappear completely if my reasonable prices have anything to say about it), I feel like someone paid me hundreds of dollars to clean up my own apartment. And I would like to say that that's a feeling you can't buy on Amazon.com... but you can. Because they sell EVERYTHING!

Aqua cat

Someone once told me that math is the universal language. Honestly, I thought it was pee. That's how animals communicate. They sure don't use math to mark their territory in the wild. No, they pee on stuff, and other animals understand it to mean, "Someone was here, this place is occupied, kindly fuck off." Maybe I don't understand the process exactly, but that's the gist of it, right?

This is why I don't understand it when Tove (one of our cats) comes bounding into the bathroom every time I pee, hoists his little self over the toilet rim, and observe the proceedings like it's Beowulf in 3-D. This cat is MESMERIZED. You might be wondering why I'm peeing with the door open in the first place. Well, nosy, the litter box is in the bathroom and I'm afraid that if I close it for one second, I will come out to find a hallway full of pooping cats glaring at me as if to say, "YOU did this." (Don't worry, I close the door if anyone else is home. Like it's any of your business.)

Why doesn't Tove understand that my pee means "stay away"? Isn't that instinct or something? Shouldn't he really, REALLY understand that the toilet belongs to humans? We mark it frequently enough. I'm seriously afraid he thinks it's a water fountain. Tove has a freaky obsession with moving water, as we learned upon observing him rocking increasingly heavy water dishes until they spilled all over the floor. He would meow at the water, scoot the dish into the middle of the kitchen, and knock it over before drinking any of it. What a bitch.

Now the cats have a little water cooler (with the upside-down bottle and everything) that's supposed to stay in place AND move the water around whenever they drink from it. Tove hasn't messed with it since we've moved, but he's started doing other weird stuff. Like climbing into the shower and licking the bathmat. That is so freaking gross. Who does that? Tove also started licking water droplets off the shower curtain. Like, I can't imagine being that desperate for water. Does he forget that there's plenty of water in the kitchen? Cats are pretty stupid. I mean, they don't even know math, and it's the universal language.

14 days

Day 1. Sauwan casually informs David and I that we have until February 5th or so to move out of the apartment. It's a month earlier than we planned, when we gave him notice on December 1st that I was moving out on March 1st. But it's totally doable and the idea of immediately commencing the search for mine and Dan's new apartment is exciting.

Day 4. I get a text from Sara: SAUWAN JUST TOLD DAVID THAT HE'S SHUTTING OFF THE POWER ON THE 20TH! Which means it's not exactly true that we have until early February, since I'm not going to live somewhere with no power. David and I are now charged with finding respective new apartments that will let us move in almost two weeks before the 1st of the month.

By the way, January 20th is my birthday. Thanks a lot, Sauwan.

Day 7. Dan and I fall in love with the first apartment we see, and it's not even in Santa Monica. We plead our way into signing the lease that very day. Our apartment hunt lasted exactly 2 hours of 27 minutes.

Day 14. It's the day before Sauwan is shutting off the power. I have all day to move stuff into my new apartment, but I'm not stressed because I know that even if the power is off, I can sleep at the new place and gradually move stuff to Westwood with my car throughout the following weeks.

I've already hired a man with a van to transport my furniture. Dan has gone ahead to receive our new keys and let me into our new apartment. Both of us have loaded our cars with paper bags full of my stupid belongings. It's a lot more than I anticipated, but doable.

In the middle of the afternoon, Dan and I are at Ikea. We decided it was a good chance to get a couch and some bookshelves, and we would just have them delivered to the apartment the next weekend. It should be simple, right? Unfortunately, Ikea has a brilliant system where if you buy huge pieces of furniture, you have to actually put it on a cart by yourself, take it through checkout, then go to a different area and hand it over to someone else bearing the infuriating news that they only offer next-day delivery.

This is infuriating because tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY. I'm not planning on spending my BIRTHDAY waiting around for a sofa delivery, but I guess in a world where you buy sofas by taking them off a shelf and putting them in your cart, anything can happen. On top of all this, there is no indication in the store of how this process is supposed to work, so I had to guard our smaller purchases while Dan maneuvered a huge sofa and two huge bookshelves through checkout ALL BY HIMSELF. This took an hour and I couldn't even help him and both of us were blind with rage by the end.

That's when I got a text from Sauwan: Do you guys want me to throw out all the stuff you left here?

WE'RE NOT DONE MOVING. There are easily two carloads of stuff left in my room, including my computer. It's late afternoon on the day BEFORE Sauwan is shutting off the power... 16 days BEFORE he initially told us we had to leave... A MONTH AND A HALF BEFORE I had warned him I was moving out in the first place. And he's HURRYING ME by threatening to THROW AWAY MY STUFF. At this point there might actually have been steam coming out of my ears. I probably turned red like a human thermometer in a cartoon. "Just get me there," I growled to Dan, "so I can kill him."

Dan is so sweet. We're all the way in Burbank, so it's going to take at least 40 minutes to get to West Hollywood, but I yell at Sauwan over the phone to leave my fucking stuff alone until I get there. Dan is like, "Don't worry about a thing. I'll get us there. I will get us there, we're on San Fernando Blvd. and I know exactly where we're going." He's patting my hand and whispering soothing assurances and whatnot. That's when I look around and notice that we're going in the wrong direction at like 60 mph. I almost didn't have the heart to tell him. I would have let him drive all the way to the Santa Clarita just to live in that kind of heart-swelling devotion from the man I love. But I really wanted to save my stuff, so I said, "You're going the wrong way, turn around now."

It dawns on me that I was gracious enough to give Sauwan three months notice before I planned on moving out, and he gave me and David 14 days notice to evacuate AND he's trying to throw away my stuff AND he calls me up to tell me, "I need your keys so I can give them back to the landlord this week."

The only thing I can think of is how lucky I am that (1) I was planning on moving anyway, (2) Dan and I found an AMAZING apartment on incredibly short notice, and (3) I was able to move in two whole weeks early without paying prorated rent. When I think about how fortunate I've been in this situation, it's like when you almost get into a fatal car crash and you start shaking when you think about how easily it could have gone differently. What if someone had told me on Day 1 that we might be homeless on Day 14?

By the way, in addition to everything just barely working out perfectly for me, David was also able to find a dream apartment and move in early with only enough hassle to make the experience really, really annoying.

And that is just the beginning of the story! Stay tuned for more moving updates...

Cycle X

Okay, everyone. The ANTM Cycle 10 girls have finally been revealed and I am SO EXCITED. Do you know why? Because I can't tell you much, but I can tell you that I LOVE this cycle and it's going to be great. And much better than poop on a stick called Cycle 9. This is my favorite since Cycle 7 or maybe 3. And believe me, I would not just say this because I work here.

I can't help it. I'm still a fan. And if that makes me an embarrassment to humanity, I guess I'll come to terms with that.

Check out the new babes, and tune in on February 20th! I worked on the first episode and you totally want to support me.

A very big week

This story has two parts.

Part 1: Evicted

Okay, not exactly evicted. Early this week, I ran into my roommate outside our building and he casually let me and David know that the landlord was kicking us out of the apartment and we needed to leave by the end of the month. It seems that before I showed up, Sauwan had some roommates who decided it wasn't much fun to pay rent, and now the landlord is tired of Sauwan not ponying up $4,000 for them and we all have to leave.

This news was slightly less devastating because I had already announced that I was moving out on March 1st to get an apartment with Dan. This new development only moved our plans up by a month, which was a lot, but doable. Exciting!

However, it was not exciting when Sauwan later (and again, casually) said, "By the way, the power is shutting off on the 20th!" The 20th, which is notable for being my birthday, is also notable for being 11 days before February, which is a long time to live with no power. I imagined my room as a little cave, isolated from that outside world which was able to be productive past sundown, while I huddled in the dark texting people "CAN U CHECK MY EMAIL" until my phone died and I couldn't recharge it.

Dan and I have been looking up apartments on Westside Rentals and Craigslist and arranging appointments for the weekend, but adding to the chaos is the fact that my birthday, Dan's birthday, and Jessica's birthday all occur around the same week. And Jessica had a friend visiting from out of town. And Dan's parents were going to be in town. And even if we found a place to live before February, David and I would still have to find somewhere else to stay for 11 days because living without electricity is definitely not happening.

Dan and I set up about seven appointments for Saturday and crossed our fingers that we would fall in love with one of them, and we would get the place, and we might be allowed to get our prorated rent on so I didn't have to live in a cave for 11 days. We knew an apartment would be difficult to find anyway, because we had so many items on our list of demands: hardwood floors, dishwasher, balcony, doesn't share walls with other units, two bedrooms if possible... oh, and we want to live in Santa Monica. And our upper limit is $1800. Good luck, us!

Part 2: 147 Minutes

On Saturday morning, Dan cautiously suggested that we see an apartment in Westwood, even though my one MUST MUST MUST MUST requirement was that we live west of the 405. We decided to see the place so we could get a throwaway first appointment out of the way before finding our real apartment.

We saw the Westwood place. We loved it. We begged the manager to let us sign a lease the same day.

Afterwards, we anxiously killed time by seeing some of the other apartments we had planned for the day, but I strongly believe that you just know when you've found the place you're going to live. We saw a place in Santa Monica. We saw a place in Brentwood. We saw a place in Venice. But we just wanted the Westwood building manager to tell us what we wanted to hear.

2 hours of 27 minutes later, she called back and said, "You have REALLY amazing credit. Can you come by this afternoon to sign the lease?" (Of course, Dan's credit is the good stuff. I got a credit report once and there wasn't anything major on it except a credit card I'd never heard of, which I reported and had removed immediately. True story!)

And that's the story of how Dan and I found our dream apartment in just 147 minutes! We're getting the keys next week and we can start moving in as early as we want. So David and I have somewhere to sleep with electricity when our power gets shut off on my birthday! AND it's within walking distance of work, which is weird and awesome! I am going to save hundreds of dollars in gas money. No more driving to work, AND no more driving to Dan's house in Eagle Rock.

I was anticipating a much more stressful weekend, but this takes a huge weight off the entire month. Now we can concentrate on how best to celebrate our three birthdays. And I can start getting some sleep, because I'm not sick for the first time since before Christmas. Hooray!

Fear Dot Fear

Last night we watched Fear Dot Com (2002), a really shitty movie about a killer website. Maybe you remember it, because it was released around the same time as The Ring, which has a similar plot but was AWESOME.

The idea behind Fear Dot Com is that people visit a website with really scary flash animation and then they die 48 hours later. I really don't know why, but they end up dying of their "worst fear." This doesn't explain how the internet can kill you, which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but it got me thinking about my own fears. Here are some of them:

- I have this really strong fear that I will get sick in a way that causes me to hallucinate green lights at intersections, and I will inadvertently run a red light and die in a horrible car accident. I think about this almost every time I drive through any intersection.

- I'm afraid of banging my eyeball on the corner of a table, desk, counter, etc. How could this happen? you might wonder. Well, I might trip randomly and fall face-first into a pointy desk corner. If I have time to shut my eye very tightly before hitting, would it save my eye?

- You know that border between carpet and hardwood floors? Sometimes there are staples poking up that stab your feet? I'm using question marks because I'm not sure if this has happened to anyone else?

- When I first moved into my bedroom, I was vacuuming the floor and saw something in the corner resembling a wad of cotton... When I looked closer, I thought it might be some kind of cocoon made of spider web... Then something inside with a lot of legs started wiggling and I vacuumed it up SO FAST.

- Do you realize that "vacuum" is like the only word I can think of with a double "u"? That's kind of scary I guess. Oh, "continuum."

- I'm scared that the human race is going to destroy itself WAY sooner than we expect. Like, "my kids won't finish growing up" soon. I just think it's going to surprise everyone.

- I'm scared of light fixtures falling on my head. I'll do anything not to stand underneath them. But I don't have a problem walking under ladders.

- There is nothing scarier than man-made environments with no light. Blackouts in a big city... it's just wrong. Complete darkness is okay in a natural environment, like when you're camping, but without light, the world we've built for ourselves is threatening and alien.

- Threatening aliens.

- I'm afraid that most people are really stupid and mean. People I know are delightful and smart and considerate, but I'm afraid that people basically suck. This is mainly when I watch the news.

- I'm afraid of heights.

- I'm afraid of having blood drawn.

- I'm afraid of dogs. And I think I'm right, because once I saw a woman's dog attack her on the street, and I had to drag it off of her by its hind legs. She was actually screaming for help. Now that lady is probably afraid of dogs too.

- Sometimes, I kind of believe in ghosts.

A good year

I guess this is my last chance to post before the end of 2007. Before December ends and 2008 is kicked off with my first New Year's Eve in New York City. Woo!

It's been a huge year for me. 2007 has brought me a new job, financial stability, my first TIFF, and a new website that I have managed not to lose focus on.

2008 is already shaping up to be even more exciting. If I'm putting it in terms of New Year's resolutions, here is a preliminary list:

1) moving to a better apartment.
2) laser eye surgery.
3) going back to TIFF in September.
4) getting myself to another continent at some point.
5) working at the same company for a whole year.
6) keeping up with The Slow Roll.

The end of a year is always sad, especially such an eventful year, because it feels like there's so much behind you, and the future is so uncertain. But I'm grateful for everything that's happened for me and everyone who has helped me succeed.

I love everyone, and Happy New Year.

Yeah!

Thanksgiving for mom and dad

It's Thanksgiving. Today is a time to think about everything you're thankful for. Not that you shouldn't appreciate your life every day, but now you can appreciate stuff while dressed in a giant turkey costume and singing Beyonce's greatest hits in front of your family. Oh I'm sorry, you don't do that with your family? EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING.

I'm thankful for many things this year. So much has gone right in my life, so many pieces have fallen into place. I've had good luck but I've also worked hard, and I'm thankful that I've been able to focus and make most of the right decisions. I'm still working on being the best person I can be, and I'm thankful for everyone around me who has helped me do that.

So I want to tell you about my parents, because they're amazing and I love them very much.

When I was growing up, they kept me away from television and I ended up reading every book in my elementary school library. This made me a nerd, I guess, but all the teasing couldn't stop me from devouring any text I could find. My parents had this leather-bound volume of Shakespeare. I stole it away to my room, having no idea what any of the contents meant, but imagining how awesome it would to know it by heart one day. (And I never, ever accomplished that goal. Or anything close to it. Fortunately, who cares.) I ended up reading books like people watch movies -- repeatedly, and in one sitting.

My parents taught me the importance of education. In junior high and high school, while other kids were getting jobs and having to pay for their own cars, my parents imposed a family rule that me and my brothers were not allowed to get jobs while we were in school. It was more important to concentrate on classes and homework. They argued, "You have the rest of your life to work. It makes no sense for you to bag groceries or flip burgers instead of studying." I watched other kids crack under the pressure of having a job and trying to finish their homework, consequently hating both. My parents steered me towards a positive relationship with studying and getting good grades. It had nothing to do with pleasing them, or "getting in trouble" if we weren't doing well.

My parents had tremendous respect for feelings, which sounds like hippie talk, but really it just means they had respect for their children. I was an angry, irrational, annoying teenager (like every other teenager in history). Miraculously, my parents said and did everything just right to give me space without letting me forget that even I teenage-hated them, I loved them and could count on them for anything. They're the ones I talked to about the big stuff. They always respected boundaries, which helped me become less guarded, less angry, and ultimately more respectful of other people's boundaries.

In stages (alternating regularly with the unpleasant alternative), my parents made a lot of money, and we lived in a pretty big house. But I could never become spoiled, because from an early age, my parents taught us how important it is to be smart with money. Me and my brothers received monthly allowances, amounting to $5 per year of life. It seemed like an absurd amount of money, especially at 12 years old (receiving $60), but the thing is, that money covered everything but food and clothing. So if we wanted a book, a toy, a movie, or whatever, there was no begging mom and dad. No childish associations made between how much they bought for us and how much they loved us. It was a matter of whether or not we could afford it. Usually, I couldn't. But I learned. My awareness of my own money has saved my ass when I was abroad, when I moved to LA, when I got my first job... always.

There were two areas in which my parents taught us money was no object: education and travel. They paid for my college education, which is one of the most valuable gifts I've been lucky enough to receive. They paid for my year abroad (which I sort of made up for by living at home for a year), which changed my life and taught me lessons I couldn't have imagined before. An understanding of the world as bigger than my hometown, bigger than my home state, bigger than my own country, is something many people never get to have. I certainly wouldn't say I'm there yet, but I will probably work on it for the rest of my life.

Our family vacations were extraordinary trips built around new experiences, and I learned how important it is to spend time in places and around people completely different from where you came from. We made regular trips to visit family in the Philippines, but we also have family in the Midwest and the South. Our family didn't always have a lot of money, but travel was the one area where it was acceptable to truly strain our finances to make it happen. The fact that we did it as a family was the most important thing.

My parents taught me how hard it is to work hard, follow your dreams, and other gay stuff. Speaking of gay, when I met my first boyfriend, I couldn't wait to take him home (after informing my parents that I was a homo, of course). When mom and dad met him, they welcomed him into our family with open arms. I don't even feel right thanking them for that, because I had no reason to expect anything else. I didn't know anything else. I didn't know how to even imagine my parents disapproving of my "lifestyle." They taught me the most important lesson of all when it comes to the hot topic of same-sex relationships: "Who cares?"

But back to working hard and following your dreams and stuff. My parents show me every day that it's important to challenge yourself and not let go of your dreams. About 10 years ago, my mom sat us down and explained to our family that she was interested in journalism, and was going to take a break from seeing patients in order to start a magazine and a TV show. She said it might mean that our family had less money for a while, but it was important to her and she needed our support. I was so young at the time, but now I understand how scary it must have been for her, and how passionate she was -- and still is -- about these projects. She works on them to this day. Dreams are never over. You can make something out of nothing. My parents taught me that.

Now here I am in Los Angeles, financially independent (that was a big day) and doing all sorts of silly things to make my dreams come true. I feel my upbringing influence me every day, as I try to make the right decisions, know when not to ask for help, but more importantly, know when to ask for help. Mom and dad handed down to me the attitude that there is always more to do, there is always more to learn. There is always room to grow when it comes to yourself. Maybe that sentiment sounds trite. My parents taught me that it's not.

I am the person my parents made me. And for that, I couldn't be more thankful.

The Forgotten Writers Strike of '06

Dan wrote a great piece for the Los Angeles Times. Read it.

Strong weather, strong language

Hey, guess what? It's November 15th. Do you know what that means? It means I shouldn't have to worry about going outside and dying of heatstroke. But in fact, I just went outside to get some lunch, and immediately felt like I was being spit-roasted. What the fuck is wrong with this fucking city? It's 86°F out there! It's the middle of November! I fucking understand that it's warmer in LA than most of the country but this is fucking ridiculous! It's fucking snowing in Seattle! It could be snowing in Death Valley and fucking LA would still be a sweltering hellhole! Fucking motherfuck LA. Fucking 86°F in the middle of November. Fucking fuck this place.

Love,

Tyra

Shred this

I don't know why, but I have a temporary obsession with industrial shredders. Paper shredding is pretty commonplace, but I just watched someone shred a DVD and it blew my mind. Click here to witness the shredding of such things as pumpkins, soccer balls, torpedoes, a sofa, and a motherfuckin' COPY MACHINE.

UPDATED: Thanks to Josh for pointing the way to Will It Blend?

Strike! part 2

Keep up with pamie for everything you need to know about the current WGA strike.

Slow Roll TV

Ever since we started The Slow Roll, Dan and I have been making an effort to watch as many bad movies as we can, all the time. We watch a lot of bad movies that are too bad to be funny. Those are dark times filled with the likes of Chris Evans and Whoopi Goldberg. And it's not always easy to apply our slow rolling methods when we're praying that every scene will dump us into the closing credits, which is why we can't stop announcing "credits" over these movies.

(I mean, wouldn't it be amazing if the credits rolled after Honey and kids got fired from the Ginuwine video shoot? It would be a completely different movie. A better one.)

What I'm trying to tell you is that slow rolling methods don't always work when they're supposed to. And then, without warning, they turn up in unlikely places like TV commercials and music videos. All of a sudden it's like, "Um, are we slow rolling the news?"

But some TV shows are totally reliable slow roll fodder, so hilariously awful that I find myself looking forward to them more than my actual favorite shows. I want to share them with you because in all likelihood, you would live your entire life without coming across them. And that would be no kind of life at all.

7th Street Theater. This is like TBN's version of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, crossed with an after-school special for children, except I don't think it's for children. It's about a group of performers who put on Christian plays every week, and the backstage lessons they learn about faith, forgiveness, and why it's gay for men to wear earrings. Yes, there is an episode teaching the lesson that Jesus doesn't like men wearing earrings. It is my favorite episode.

News Writing. I don't know how to describe this one. I think it's meant to be shown in schools or something. It's a 15-part series instructing the viewer how to excel at news writing, including exclusive interviews with journalists such as Dan Rather and Dave Barry. It was purportedly filmed in 1993, but the wardrobe, hair, and video quality suggest perhaps the '70s or '80s. It's impossible to explain but News Writing contains some of the craziest imagery I've ever seen. I spent much of my last hiatus watching this show on PBS from 4 AM to 5 AM every Tuesday night.

Moonlight. You may have actually heard of this one -- it's the new "vampire private detective" show that premiered on CBS just last month. In case you're wondering how awful it is, the first line of the show includes a joke about how being a vampire "sucks." Except this show isn't a comedy, and it sucks way worse than being a vampire. Fortunately, it is hilarious, and I knew my life had been changed when I watched the blonde reporter character struggle to construct alliterative headlines for her big story.

Body of Evidence: From the Case Files of Dayle Hinman. This is a true crime show with dramatizations and interviews with Dayle Hinman, a forensic profile who is so good at her job that like 40 women get raped in every single episode, before she solves a damn thing. Here is the template for every single episode:

- Crime happens
- Cops with abundant moustaches try to solve crime
- Cops call Dayle Hinman, who is always doing something exciting when she gets the call (i.e. getting out of a helicopter, doing a puzzle, etc.)
- Dayle points out obvious clues to idiot cops
- Crimes happens many more times
- Perpetrator turns himself in
- Dayle takes all the credit and talks about how great she is at her job

The dramatizations are so terrible, like Dayle obviously plans each episode to make herself look awesome and the cops look stupid. And she never parks her car like a normal person, she drives all up on the lawn wherever she goes. And then there's the "Killervision"...

So if you're looking for some Slow Roll TV to enjoy every week, these are some great options. It's much different from slow rolling movies, so give it a try!

Sweet November

Los Angeles in November reminds me of the way September is supposed to be. In terms of weather, October was nothing but disappointment as temperatures reached the mid-90s and my will to live plummeted accordingly. 96°F in October? Air conditioner rattling away all night long? Really?

But November has only been around for a matter of hours and it's a world of difference. Gray skies, long-sleeve weather, not raining it smells like it might. And that's a lot better than LA usually smells. I'm sure it won't last, but it kind of felt like a peace offering from a city that closed off the most important leg of my already-hour-long commute last night for Halloween.

Commute? What's that? YES, I'M WORKING AGAIN! And November looks even sweeter than a gray sky because I got a sweet-ass promotion to "Lead Logger," a tremendously misleading title since I won't be logging at all. Around ANTM, the lead loggers help the editors put together the episodes by digging for gold in the loggers' logs and providing (some) input regarding what makes it to your TV. So um, this is the coolest job I've ever had (not to mention the highest-paying... by far!).

I started working on Monday, which couldn't have come at a better time for two reasons: (1) Unemployment is fun when you have money. It's not as much fun when you run out of it; (2) I spent the week before my start date DYING in bed with a terrible cold, or flu, or something else that felt like food poisoning for many days straight (but not quite bad enough or lasting quite long enough to warrant a doctor's visit). And I recovered just in time to start work!

Of course, having a real job means I'm working during the day now, which is a quite a departure from watching the sunrise every morning... from the previous night. I handled it SO much better than last year, probably because almost everyone I knew happened to have the same schedule. For five months, my social thrived between the hours of 1am to 6am. Honestly, everyone in LA should try doing this, because sitting in traffic for two hours every day was temporarily not part of my life.

Of course, sitting in traffic is back, which sucks even though it's worth it. There's no getting around it, since I live in West Hollywood and ANTM is a whopping 6 miles away in Westwood. So it's an hour to work and an hour back, not to mention 9 hours at work, which is a lot different from a six-hour night shift. So I'm exhausted and can't remember what it feels like to have free time, but this is the most fulfilling job I've ever had (even though it's still kind of silly), and I'm happy.

I don't know if this weather is supposed to hold up for a while, but I'm enjoying it while I can. I love this LA.

How to win ANTM: Victoria Marshman talks

I'm sure I shouldn't say much about this, considering I still work for the show, but here's a revealing interview with Victoria, one of my favorite girls from America's Next Top Model, Cycle 9. All I'm saying is... there's a LOT that didn't make it to TV.

Kirk/Spock and Dumbledore

I didn't really care when I heard that J.K. Rowling revealed that Albus Dumbledore was gay, because the books are great with or without that information. But I had never actually seen the clip of her saying it, and I hadn't realized that she never actually said "Dumbledore is gay." This is a good article about the crucial difference between "Dumbledore is gay" and "I always thought of Dumbledore as gay."

World wide wiki

I don't know about you, but at this point, I completely take it for granted that Wikipedia will tell me anything I need to know about anything, ever. I know you're supposed to take those articles with a grain of salt because any dumbass can edit them, but I think the system is working in terms of flagging uncited information. In any case, if you've forgotten how inspiring it is that we built this resource ourselves, check out this world map tracking real-time edits on Wikipedia.

Dan in Real Life / ***

Dan in Real Life is a good movie, but it’s also proof that casting can make or break a movie. Not that Dan‘s script isn’t smart and sweet, because it is, but it might easily have resulted in something closer to, well, a Dane Cook movie. (Cook is actually in this movie, but thankfully in a supporting role that doesn’t give him room to be obnoxious.) This is an unapologetically conventional movie armed with two of the most appealing leads around: Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche.

Dan Burns (Steve Carell in real life) is an advice columnist with three daughters, raising them on his own after the death of his wife. Every year, the family tree rents a house and reunites for a week of quality time, crossword puzzles, and a rather elaborate talent show. With two angry teenage daughters (Brittany Robertson and Alison Pill), Dan ventures out to buy the newspapers one morning and encounters Marie (Juliette Binoche in real life) (okay I’ll stop now). Dan and Marie hit it off, before she realizes she is late for something and disappears.

It turns out that Marie is late for the Burns family reunion, as she is the new girlfriend of Dan’s brother, Mitch (Dane Cook). This is the setup for a series of complications which, after all, are not that complicated – Marie realizes pretty quickly that she’s with the wrong brother, but no one wants to hurt Mitch or ruin the family get-together.

Meanwhile, the house is teeming with family, including Dianne Wiest and John Mahoney as mom and dad, two of the most appealing mom and dad types this side of Diane Keaton and Craig T. Nelson (who starred in the similar The Family Stone). Everyone can see that Dan is acting strange, but no one guesses what’s really going on, even when Dan tenderly croons “Let My Love Open the Door” to Marie during the talent show. This is a moment that could have made me groan, but something about the fact that Dan (and/or Carell) REALLY can’t sing made it a real tear-jerker.

Let me talk about the casting some more. If there’s one thing Carell does better than anyone else, it’s comedy with a heart. That’s why The Office is as painful as it is hilarious, and that’s why nobody else on earth could have played Andy in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. And the Binoche! It’s too bad I’ve used up my quota for the word “appealing” in this review, because that’s what she is. When I found out she was in this movie, I thought, “Doesn’t she have, like, something Oscar-worthy to star in?” But it’s such a pleasure to see her in a movie that lets her be adorable (and kinda hot), and like Carell, she brings something extra to a potentially annoying role.

And then, just when you’ve forgotten seeing her name in the opening credits, Emily Blunt shows up in a scene-stealing role that cements her status as our new favorite British import.

Like Dan, of course, Dan has its problems. Maybe Dan’s daughters turn against him just a little too hard over every little thing. Maybe Dan’s family is a little insensitive when he starts acting strange. Maybe Dan’s relationship with his brother is left CRIMINALLY UNRESOLVED by the end of the movie. But I didn’t really care, because I was just so happy to see Dan and Marie end up together. Now that’s the sign of a good romantic comedy.

Chicken feet, whips

It all started when I rented A Sound of Thunder, a shitty sci-fi movie about people going back in time and accidentally ruining the future. This was pretty interesting when it was a short story by Ray Bradbury, but in order to make it into a feature film, they added a terrible plot and some crunk special effects, including a raggedy weave for Ben Kingsley. Basically, it's one of the dumbest movies ever made... but it's a really good slow roll.

Well, there's a part where one character is teasing someone, and he says, "I bet you go crazy at home, right? Lampshade on your head. Chicken feet, whips." For some reason this phrase stuck in my brain, possibly because this actor (David Oyelowo) is inadvertently singing it. And also because "chicken feet, whips" makes absolutely no sense at all. Is this a fetish I don't know about? Since when does "chicken feet, whips" mean someone is crazy? I don't even know what someone would do period with "chicken feet, whips," let alone something crazy.

Soon, "chicken feet, whips" became a way of explaining that something makes no sense. It actually entered my vocabulary as a completely normal thing to say. Everyone I know started saying it. And that's when Jake created a song out of it. And it was really good, because he's a genius, and also because David Oyelowo is TOTALLY singing this line! Why? Chicken feet, whips.

Also, Jessica had set up her Avid in Dan's living room, so I've had this professional editing equipment at my disposal, and I decided to teach myself how to edit. I've been messing around with footage Dan and I shot in Toronto, but now I had a mission: to edit a music video for "Chicken Feet, Whips" using only scenes from A Sound of Thunder.

So I stayed up all night on Monday and did it.

Here it is.

Credits.

October surprise

I can't believe it's already October. Although who could blame me when it's still 500 degrees around here every day. At least it was, until yesterday and this morning. LA's version of "autumn" may be the same as summer with a light breeze added, but that breeze can make all the difference sometimes. There were a few clouds in the sky, making it much prettier than the usual unbroken blue.

Now that the weather is finally convincing me that time is actually passing, I can't believe how much has happened since the new year. I've had four jobs. I started a new website. My brother moved in with me. I went to the freakin' Toronto International Film Festival. On top of all this, I've been spending time with some of the best friends I've ever had, and discovering that bad movies are a way of life.

I've come this close to leaving LA for good on so many occasions, but I haven't done it. I have to admit I kind of hate it here, but I love living here, if that makes sense. Let's just say, I love the life I've made here, but every time I go outside and remember where I am, I'm very, very sad. This excuse is way old around here, but the heat is a real dealbreaker. I wasn't made for temperatures above 70°F. Even sunshine becomes ugly when you feel like it's killing you.

It's October! It's already time to start making plans for Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It's time to start getting used to the number "2008" even though it still sounds like The Future to me.

Post-TIFF journal

I've been back from Toronto for a few days, and LA is much a much friendlier place than I left it. The temperature has gone down significantly, so it's actually possible to go outside without crying and having the tears evaporate directly from my cheeks. Getting out of LAX was a breeze for once, and on our way out of the baggage claim, a man fumbling with his bag and a cigarette asked Dan and I if we had a light. It was Geoffrey Rush!

After a whole film festival full of A-list stars staying on a single street in Toronto with zero on-the-fly celebrity sightings, it turns out I shared my flight back to LA with the star of the movie playing on the plane (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End). Unfortunately, as Dan quit smoking six years ago to preserve his health or something gay like that, we could not offer Geoffrey Rush a light. But he smiled at us anyway, and I've totally started smoking in case something like this happens again.

So, TIFF is over, but only for us -- the festival is still going on! It makes me a little sad to think of that catchy Bell Lightbox theme going on every day without us, but I'm also alarmed by Vickie's reports of exhaustion and generally feeling over it this year. Next year (and I WILL be there next year!), I plan on sticking to two films a day, but staying for the duration of the fest. I wasn't ready to leave Toronto on Tuesday... but I'm not ready to take on four films a day, either. I remember doing that at SIFF, but I lived there at the time so it was a little different.

I'm unemployed! After going straight to the airport from my last day of work, it was such a relief to come home and have nothing to do the next day (or night). Well, that's not exactly true -- I had two Slow Roll updates to pound out, but at least I didn't have to transcribe models for eight hours afterward. I couldn't remember the last time I watched a (non-Slow Roll) movie at home! So David and I finally sat down and watched Dedication, the romantic comedy starring Billy Crudup and Mandy Moore. And it was so good, in such unexpectedly dark and touching ways, I felt like TIFF had followed me home.

It's time to breathe for a month before Cycle 10 commences. It's not like my job is the most stressful, but I get anxious when there isn't time to write. I have to remember why I'm here in LA, which is sometimes difficult because I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm trying to do, or how I'm supposed to do it. All I know is, I would be famous by now if I had just given Geoffrey Rush a damn light. I just know it.

TIFF journal: lows and highs

Y'all, it finally happened, and you knew it would. Dan and I caught a major dud at the festival today: Nothing is Private, the new film written and directed by Alan Ball. I know you loved American Beauty and Six Feet Under, but in his directorial debut, Alan really drops the Ball. Geddit? But seriously, his movie stinks.

Nothing is Private is another story of dirty secrets in the suburbs, only this time the only secret is raping. Everyone is raping. Raping and shaving a 13-year-old half-Lebanese girl named Jasira. That's pretty much the whole movie, and if you think I'm overlooking some deeper meaning or subtext, you're wrong. There's "fearless," "edgy," and even "exploitative" can be interesting, but this movie is worse -- it's boring and has nothing to say. You haven't directed a good movie if the pregnant character gets seriously injured and half the theater laughs out loud.

Alan Ball gave a brief Q&A, but the only information established was that he really, really loved his own movie. And shockingly, so did most of the audience -- I was honestly expecting boos when the credits started to roll. But man, you should have seen Alan Balls tense up when someone began a question with, "I noticed this film had a lot in common with American Beauty..." Boy, does he think his work has been varied. He's wrong.

As Vickie walked us across town to the Scotiabank Theatre, the three of us swapped favorite bad movie moments from Nothing is Private, until it was time to part ways for good (for now). We said our goodbyes to Vickie in the lobby of the Sheraton Hotel, lamenting the fact that we didn't instantly hate each other upon meeting in person so this moment wouldn't suck so much. But it did.

Dan and I moved on to see Four Women, an Indian film based on four short stories about different women: The Prostitute, The Virgin, The Housewife, and The Spinster. It was a quiet film, but very good and completely different from anything we had seen at the fest so far. The director and one of the stars gave an unfortunately abbreviated Q&A, thanks to projector problems that set the screening back 25 minutes.

Immediately afterward, we moved to the next auditorium over for Forever Never Anywhere, which was undoubtedly the biggest gamble and subsequent payoff of the fest. The premise: three men are stuck in a car for, like, the whole movie. They talk a lot and learn about each other and stuff. That's what I had to go on, and besides being intrigued, I wanted to squeeze in a German film so I could play translator in my head.

With a setup like that, this movie could have been slow, boring, or overly artsy, but it was pure entertainment (and still kind of artsy). In fact, the ending literally made Dan scream out loud in the theater, not because it was frightening but because it was horrifying, in the most hilarious way possible. What we didn't know about the plot going in was that a young boy was deliberately keeping the men trapped in the car and performing experiments on them like lab rats (for example, playing audio of an approaching police car on a boombox). It's pretty twisted.

Today was our only triple-feature day of the fest, and it was a great way to end my first TIFF. Of course, the festival is still going on for the rest of the week, but Dan and I are flying back to LA tomorrow morning. Really, I couldn't imagine a better way to end this amazing trip than a hysterically bad movie in the morning, followed by a somber and eye-opening movie, followed by a movie where someone takes a dump in a gold purse -- and it's philosophical, too!

TIFF journal: a little something extra

This was a very eventful day, in part because it began at a reasonable hour. Dan and I woke up at the crack of 10 AM for a 1 PM screening of Religulous, which was actually less than a screening and something extra instead: Bill Maher and Larry Charles hosted clips from their upcoming satirical documentary on organized religion, before engaging in an extended Q&A with a host as well as the audience.

How can I explain how excited we were for this? Probably not by telling you it wasn't even our first choice. When we found out we got it, though, I couldn't believe it had taken a back seat to The Orphanage (though I'm desperate to see that one now that I've heard it's amazing). We love Bill Maher, we love Larry Charles, and most importantly, we want to be in the same room as celebrities. What a deal!

The clips from Religulous were extremely rough, and I was surprised to hear the movie isn't coming out until next spring. Even at this po